was born in a Christian family and thus I’ve known about Jesus, Bible’s stories, and all the miracles that God did. If someone asked me whether I believe in God or not than my answer would be I do believe. Nevertheless, all those things were faded away ever since I knew that I had epilepsy.
All of those nightmares started when I was 5 years old. My friend and I were playing around at that time and she tried to lift me up. Accidentally, she slipped away and I fell on the floor. My head hit the floor pretty bad. My parents took me to the doctor as soon as they knew about it. The doctor said that there was nothing wrong with my health since I didn’t vomit or felt any headache. It made everyone happy including me, of course.
One month later, the first nightmare came. My body twitched and foam came out from my mouth. I fainted. My parents took me to the hospital in panic, knew nothing about my disease. The doctor suggested that they took me to a neurologist. With no other choice, my parents finally took me to a neurologist. He gave me medicine that I must take everyday, but he did not want to make any decision as to judge I had epilepsy because it was still the first seizure.
After the first seizure, the second and the next seizures always happened once in three years until I graduated from the elementary school. Somehow, I still did not understand about the epilepsy that I had because the seizures were still rarely happened.
The change of the seizures happened when I was in my junior high school years. It happened suddenly when I was gone out with my friends. I fainted, my body twitched and my mouth foamed. This was the first time the seizure happened in public because it used to be happened in the evening all the time (when I was at home). I was surprised with this seizure and so were my friends. I felt so embarrassed at that time and started to ask what was wrong with me. One year later, the nightmare attacked me again – another seizure. Since the last seizure the doctor was sure that I had epilepsy and had to take medicine regularly. I was really shocked at that time.
I was a perfectionist and persistent girl since my childhood. I had my own principle that I have to be a great woman one day so that’s why I must succeed in my study. With no order from my mom and dad, I always study hard, do my homework and one step forward from my friends. In the morning, I usually learn from the book what the teacher will teach that day and in the evening I will make a summary of what I’ve learned. I would blame myself if I got bad score, I couldn’t accept my own mistake. This behavior thus made me difficult to accept that I had epilepsy.
I started to find the answer to what epilepsy is and how to cure it. Nevertheless, it didn’t bear any fruit, in fact, it made me more confuse than before. How could I depend on medicine for years to come? Epilepsy needs a long and regular treatment and to make it even worse, no one knows when it will be totally cured. From one struggle to another made my heart broke, furthermore this sickness started to interrupt my study. For every 30 minutes I had to stop reading because of the headache it gave.
These horrible conditions made me so angry and I hated myself. I just couldn’t accept myself as it was. Why should I fell on the floor at that time? The rejection and anger inside my heart made everything became worse. The seizures was increasing from once a year became once in 6 months and finally once in every 3 months. It really made my activities limited and disrupted.
My spiritual health started to ruin along with my body from day to day. I started to question God’s existence and justice. I blamed God for doing something horrible to me. I thought He wasn’t fair and He didn’t hear my prayer. Until one day I denied His existence. He was just a fairy tale.
However, nothing got better. The nightmare became even worse. The seizures came once in every month. It could happen anywhere at anytime. My body could twitch suddenly at home, school, restaurant, shop or any other public places. This really made me gave up with my life. I just couldn’t do anything about it. I became inferior and lost my confidence. The anger towards God became worse and I started to debate everyone who believes in God using my worsening health. If God really exist, then He can cure me.
Still, God really cares to someone stupid like me. At one miraculous night, I came to the peak of my anger to God. I cried in my bedroom and yelled at Him. I challenged Him and said that He was no more than a fairy tale. The anger and disappointment towards God filled my room that night.
After 30 minutes passed, when my anger still burned a person called God, out of the blue, I saw the cross in my room glow very brightly. I felt something stirring in my soul and I ran to grab the cross. My tears fell down like a river flow as I hold the cross and my heart was filled with peace after that. The anger was then suddenly gone.
There was a desire to read the Bible and so I grabbed it and opened it though I didn’t know what to read. Somehow, my hand stopped move in a verse:
“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it (1 Corinthians 10:13 – the Message).”
That night, God changed my view of this problematic disease. Instead of asking “Why all of this happen to me?” I started to think that, “God has a plan beyond my knowledge. There’s something good hidden that God has provided for me. He let this happen because He wants to change my life. God knows what He’s doing. He have it all planned out – plans to take care of me, not abandon me, plans to give me the future I hope for.”
I realized that even this epilepsy was eating my life, but my parents and my friends never reject me. My mom and dad never complain about the cost for my medication, my brothers never feel ashamed with my condition and my friends never stay away from me, in fact, they always prepare if the attack came. That night, God changed me into a new person with a new perspective, to see everything through His eyes. That night was the most wonderful night for me. Even though the epilepsy was not healed yet but I was sure this nightmare would be gone one day.
As I could accept my condition with strong heart, miraculously the seizures were decreasing. From once in a months became once in three months and then once in six months. I walked every second with God now and I never again blame Him about this attack. Without realizing, I’ve been with this epilepsy for 15 years now.
One day, my boyfriend (now my husband) took me to a healing conference lead by a famous servant of God specializing in healing miracle. When he began to pray for healing, I pray to God, “If this is the time, let me be healed, Lord, but if this is not the time, I still give thanks to you.” When I finished my prayer, I felt dizzy and warmth envelops my head. It became so heavy. I never experience that feeling in my life. That night, God’s miracle came upon me and He healed me. He lifted all of my burdens. He is an amazing God.
Filled with joy and new level of faith, I went back home and threw away all the medicine that I must take everyday. The next morning, I felt nothing was wrong and so the next day in my life. Usually, I would get a seizure if I didn’t take my medicine in a day regularly, but now, I didn’t even drink it for days.
Six months later I came to my neurologist and told him that I didn’t take any medicine these whole months. He was really surprised with my story and said, “This is God’s miracle!”
This journey of faith has brought me closer to God and makes me want to share this miraculous experience to everyone. The process that I went through really changed me from a perfectionist, someone who couldn’t accept herself becomes someone who understands God’s rainbows beyond the storm and His great plans in my life. Everything that happened in our life is in God’s control and remember that everything has its own time. Be patient and believe in God.
“Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life (James 1:12 – the Message).”
--- Testimony of Fransiska Handayani S ---
--- Rewrite by Holy Vink ---
